“Adopt a policy of being joyful.”
At 17, I wrote a speech titled, “When You Come to
the End of Your Days, Will You Be Able to Write Your Own Epitaph?” It reflected
the approach to life I adopted after my mother’s untimely death from cancer at age 49. I
chose to live each day as if it could be my last — but with a watchful eye on
the future in case it wasn’t.
My goal was, and still is, to die
without regrets.
For
more than 50 years, this course has served me well, including my decision to
become a science journalist instead of pursuing what had promised to be a more
lucrative and prestigious, but probably less enjoyable, career as a biochemist.
I find joy each day in mundane things too often overlooked: sunrises and
sunsets, an insect on a flower, crows chasing a hawk, a majestic tree, a child
at play, an act of kindness toward a stranger.
Eventually,
most of us learn valuable lessons about how to conduct a successful and
satisfying life. But for far too many people, the learning comes too late to
help them avoid painful mistakes and decades of wasted time and effort.
In
recent years, for example, many talented young people have denied their true
passions, choosing instead to pursue careers that promise fast and big monetary
gains. High rates of divorce speak to an impulsiveness to marry and a tenuous
commitment to vows of “till death do us part.”
Parents
undermine children’s self-confidence and self-esteem by punishing them
physically or pushing them down paths, both academic and athletic, that they
are ill equipped to follow. And myriad prescriptions forantidepressants and anti-anxiety drugs reflect a
widespread tendency to sweat the small stuff, a failure to recognize
time-honored sources of happiness, and a reliance on material acquisitions that
provide only temporary pleasure.
Enter
an invaluable source of help, if anyone is willing to listen while there is
still time to take corrective action. It is a new book called “30 Lessons for
Living” (Hudson Street Press) that offers practical advice from more than 1,000
older Americans from different economic, educational and occupational strata
who were interviewed as part of the ongoing Cornell Legacy Project.
Its
author, Karl Pillemer, a professor of human development at the College of Human
Ecology at Cornell and a gerontologist at the Weill Cornell Medical College,
calls his subjects “the experts,” and their advice is based on what they did
right and wrong in their long lives. Many of the interviews can be viewed at legacyproject.human.cornell.edu.
Here
is a summary of their most salient thoughts.
ON MARRIAGE A satisfying marriage that lasts a lifetime is more likely
to result when partners are fundamentally similar and share the same basic
values and goals. Although romantic love initially brings most couples
together, what keeps them together is an abiding friendship, an ability to
communicate, a willingness to give and take, and a commitment to the
institution of marriage as well as to each other.
An
89-year-old woman who was glad she stayed in her marriage even though her young
husband’s behavior was adversely affected by his military service said, “Too
many young people now are giving up too early, too soon.”
ON CAREERS Not one person in a thousand said that happiness accrued
from working as hard as you can to make money to buy whatever you want. Rather,
the near-universal view was summed up by an 83-year-old former athlete who
worked for decades as an athletic coach and recruiter: “The most important
thing is to be involved in a profession that you absolutely love, and that you
look forward to going to work to every day.”
Although
it can take a while to land that ideal job, you should not give up looking for
one that makes you happy. Meanwhile, if you’re stuck in a bad job, try to make
the most of it until you can move on. And keep in mind that a promotion may be
flattering and lucrative but not worth it if it takes you away from what you
most enjoy doing.
ON PARENTING The demands of modern life often have a negative effect on
family life, especially when economic pursuits limit the time parents spend
with their children. Most important, the elders said, is to spend more time
with your children, even if you must sacrifice to do so.
Share
in their activities, and do things with them that interest them. Time spent
together enables parents to detect budding problems and instill important
values.
While
it’s normal to prefer one child over others, it is critical not to make
comparisons and show favoritism. Discipline is important when needed, but
physical punishment is rarely effective and can result in children who are
aggressive and antisocial.
ON AGING “Embrace it. Don’t fight it. Growing older is both an attitude and a
process,” an 80-year-old man said. The experts’ advice to the young: “Don’t
waste your time worrying about getting old.”
Most found that old age vastly
exceeded their expectations. Even those with serious chronic illnesses enjoyed
a sense of calm and contentment. A 92-year-old who can no longer do many of the
things she once enjoyed said: “I think I’m happier now than I’ve ever been in
my life. Things that were important to me are no longer important, or not as
important.”
Another
said, “Each decade, each age, has opportunities that weren’t actually there in
the previous time.”
Maintain
social contacts. Avoid becoming isolated. When an invitation is issued, say
yes. Take steps to stay engaged, and take advantage of opportunities to learn
new things. Although many were initially reluctant, those who moved to a senior
living community found more freedom to enjoy activities and relationships than
they had before.
To
those who worry about dying, these men and women said the best antidote is to
plan for it: Get things organized, let others know your wishes, tidy up to
minimize the burden on your heirs.
ON REGRETS “Always be honest” was the elders’ advice to avoid
late-in-life remorse. Take advantage of opportunities and embrace new
challenges. And travel more when you’re young rather than wait until the
children are grown or you are retired.
As
Dr. Pillemer summarized the elders’ view, “Travel is so rewarding that it
should take precedence over other things younger people spend money on.” Create
a bucket list now and start whittling it down.
ON HAPPINESS Almost to a person, the elders viewed happiness as a
choice, not the result of how life treats you.
A
75-year-old man said, “You are not responsible for all the things that happen
to you, but you are completely in control of your attitude and your reactions
to them.” An 84-year-old said, “Adopt a policy of being joyful.”
The
90-year-old daughter of divorced parents who had lived a hardscrabble life
said, “I learned to be grateful for what I have, and no longer bemoan what I
don’t have or can’t do.”
Even
if their lives were nine decades long, the elders saw life as too short to
waste on pessimism, boredom and disillusionment.
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